Tuesday, 15 December 2015@ 11:05 pm 0 ☰

Assalamualaikum peeps.

Yehet Its been a long time I didnt update anything in my precious blog. Well as you know I am one of the SPM candidates but actually for now it WAS. Yeah finally I have been passed all the obstacles that sometimes make me wanna cry, angry, sad, laugh, happy and bla bla bla. And now I'm being 'mereput' in my house not doing anything *but sometimes I help my brother,mother and sister working* because mak didnt allow me to work. Because? Due to emm aahh ergh  idonotknowhowtoridethebus. Okay clap to myself *clap clap clap sigh* Actually I know but I'm just scared. FYI when I sit in the bus, the sound of 'krek krek ngengg' make my face become pale and stuned at my place. Yow How babe. And another thing, InsyaAllah i will get my car license in this three months. Hopefully *wishing*

Fine? Yes I'm fine as long as I have Allah beside me. Its just a liar if I said that I'm not broken at all. Sometimes we need to cry because we have been strong for too long. For what I'm feel like this? For the people who know me, yes they know. on 8th of October 2015, my father had left us forever to meet Our Creator. At first Its hard to believe that Abah had left us but when I realized, I need to accept my predestination and Allah knows the best. Usually, if motivator came to aour school they will talk about our parents. They will asked us to imagine, 

" When you are busy studying at school, suddenly one of your relatives come to your school. There is an annoucement that called your name. You do not know anything. After that you know that your mom/dad has died. When you arrived home, you see the whole body lying in the living room. What do you feel at that time? "

Thanks to the motivator. You know sir, that was one of the experience that I dont want to face. I'm scared to think far about that. I'm scared to accept that someday I will involve in this situation. I don't know how I can survive again. But Allah is the best planner. On inthursday around 9.30, I had my Biology class. Then suddenly I had feels to ask Fariha how her feel when her father is passed. But suddenly, Teacher Suriati and Cikgu Haslinda came to us and ask Puan Zalina to bring me out. I had sensed something but I just shrugged. Then Teacher Suriati asked me to bring my bag. Its weird. Then they walked me to the school office while grasp my hand firmly. I saw my brother. Suddenly he hugged me and said,

" Aisyah, bangde mintak maaf. Abah dah takde. "

I do not know how I felt that time. Cry? Sad? Speechless? Dissapointed? Seriously I want to scream and said what the heck are you talking about but I still think rationally. Then my teacher hug me and asked me to be strong. Yes. This is the experienced that give me a goosebump eventough I'm just thinking about it. The experienced that I hopped I will not go through it. But in rality, this is my fate. When I'm home, I saw Abah body's had been covered up with kain batik. I cant hold my tears anymore. I hugged Mak and Kakwa and cryying badly. Only God knows how sad I was at that time. Then I read Yassin near Abah. When I read, I cant conrol my eyes to stop the tears. It flows and flows because I remembered when Abah fell sick, he didnt want the yassin that from phone but he want the real one. And now, he didnt listen to our voice anymore. Its so hurt. Then one by one people came. Its very depressing to see you siblings arrived home crying badly. They tried to calm but when they hug Mak, they cant control anymore. 

Then my siblings asked permission Imam to bathed Abah on our own. When we bathed Abah, I thought that 'Owh, Abah just sleeping. Maybe when people pour the water on his face he will wake up.' But Abah didnt. He just laying there and didnt move. After the shoroud covering the body of Abah, all he's not mahram can have the last kiss. When I kiss Abah, I still cant believe. Is it true? His face is cold. his expression is so calm. Just like Abah sleeping all the day. Then they make tahlil and I'm so blessed that many people came to visit Abah. Youre so lucky Abah. Then they brought Abah to surau to do solat jenazah. After that we go to the burial groung. My siblings *except boy* just walked because it just stone throw away. But when we arrived, Abah had landed in the ground.  Alhamdulillah. Allah facilitate people. When Imam read the talkin, Im just standing there watching the grave. Yes, Abah had gone. Left us. Left the world. In the night, we make tahlil. You know, It makes me shivering when they said almarhum puad bin tahir. Seriously I never think to say my parents name when make tahlil but for this day, I mention my own father name. 

And now, its been two months since Abah left us. But for us, sometimes we just think that Abah just go to hospital for check up and he will come back. We still think that Abah will come back to see us. But in fact it just a dream. For me, I need to be strong for my mother sake of course. I dont want get her stressed and cry for missing Abah. Its hard for me due to my exam just around the corner. I still remember when I'm finished taking AddMath subject. Yes I had cursed the paper because it hard for me to answer it. But when in dorm, I call Mak and crying over and over. Because this subject make me down to the hell to face the other paper. In addition, this subject was Abah fovurite. Of course it remind me to Abah. I still remember what he said when he sick,

" Aisyah jangan risaukan abah. Abah sakit ke tak pelajaran tu penting. Abah okay "

Ya Allah. Seriously it makes me hard. How can my grade will be okay if I cant answer the question properly? I'm thinking that I'm just a daughter that cant fulfill my parents wish. After that Mak convince me that next paper will be okay. She tell me that let bygone be bygone. Just study and face the other subject. Thanks Mak. Maybe people see me happy and laugh without any worries. But they dont know what is inside my heart. It is sad? It is bad? Yes. I miss Abah a lot. Sometimes, when the longing i appear, I cant hold my tears and it burst slowly. Especially when reading Quran. I think, how Abah live down there? What is he doing if he still alive? The thing that I can do is pray that Allah will forgive Abah and placed him in the paradise. Aamin. 

" Aisyah, abah mintak maaf. Abah tak dapat habiskan tanggungjawab abah kat awak. Abah sayang kat awak. Jadi anak yang solehah. Belajar elok-elok. Abah tau awak sayang abah walaupun awak tak cakap. Dengar cakap abang-abang dengan akak-akak. Abah maafkan semua dosa-dosa awak "

" Abah tak marah awak. Abah cakap je. Abah sayang awak "

Abah, seriously I miss you. I want to hug you and say that I MISS YOU AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH ABAH. Dad, they say time heals all sorrow and help us to forget, but has only proven how much we miss you yet. I miss when you teased me when Im cleaning the house " Pandai pun anak abah kemas rumah ", when you said with sarcastic when I'm wake up late " Awal bangun. Tertinggal bas eh syah? ", when you compliment my result " Tahniah syah, ada peningkatan. Lepas ni buat betul-betul ", when you teased me and sulk because I call your number phone because I ask to speak to Mak " Aih call abah nak cakap dengan mak je? Dengan Abah taknak? ", when you encourage me to improve myself  " Takpe, teruskan lagi. Abah tau awak boleh ", when you sing lagu Dendang Perantau and your voice imitate P.Ramlee voice, when you smile to me if I pronounce the word wrong " Apa syah? Sebut lagi. ", when you tried to pretend that you okay eventhough youre not " Abah okay. Jangan risau." Yes I miss everything you do even sometimes your attitude make me dizzy, but I still miss it. I still remember when you ask me something at my class *last time you come to my school* but now I cant get the answer. Maybe I need to ask Cikgu Fazira for the answer. 

 I never knew that
A girl’s heart could hurt so bad
So painfully, so bitterly
When she’s lost her dad
I also never knew that
Along with tears manifold
So much grief and sadness
A girl’s eyes could hold
It is only after your death
That I have understood unwillingly
The real meanings of
Pain, sadness and melancholy
I wanted you to see
My progress every year
But that isn’t possible
Now that you aren’t here
I wanted you to witness
My growth and prosperity
But now that you are away
That isn’t going to be
I wanted you to be a part
Of everything I chose to do
But now that you are gone
I can do nothing but miss you

Allah the best planner and He knows the best. Redha is the important thing in the world. Accept Qada and Qadr. I wish that i can be strong and be a solehah just like my father want me to be. Thanks for everything Abah. You tought me how to be a person in this earth. Hopefully you have a peacefully rest there insyaAllah. Aamin. Alfatihah. { Sorry for th broken English }

Puad Bin Tahir
21 October 1945 - 08 October 2015
One and only one Abah